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I know,I know: it's been a while. As much as I missed blogging, I cannot deny that taking this long break was absolutely necessary.
Somehow my life did spiral out of my control,again...and I just did not find in me, the will to write anything,to share my feelings or to ask for sympathy.I could not keep up with the events around me,my thoughts were incoherent and I had no desire to organize any sentences to post here as my well of ideas felt dry and sour...Such is life,I said to myself...At least such was my life then,dried up and gray,no joy to share with anyone...and if joy was not around to share with others,misery was not a good feeling to spread to others either!
So I went quietly into,yet,another reclusion.I went "walkabout" looking for my "famous" wondering Mojo...so love this Australian expression!
Have I found my Mojo yet? To be honest,still trying to identify it to be able to tell you that i have indeed found it.LOL
But,at least,I can now see at the end of this long tunnel and I can also see directions.I've been lost from my own self for ages and had no idea for how long I had been lost or no idea that I had,indeed been lost!...does it make any sense to you?... and,did you ever fell like this?
Identity crisis,mid-life crises,depression,artist's crisis,walkabout,etc... Call it whatever you want to call it,it's fine by me! All I can tell you is that it felt wrong to carry-on feeling the way i felt inside my heart,and it felt real and scary to me then.
What did trigger this crises,I've heard you asking? The constant and never ending moving around that is part of my life now. Also finding that the "choices" button was missing in my life...it felt odd not been able to have a voice or to be free to make choices.I needed time to re-adjust to this life that is mine now,to accept the flow of this crazy and unstable life.To accept the unacceptable and embrace the unwanted. Does it makes any sense to you?
I looked around me and did see that everyone had something to live for,something to get up every morning for,some goals,some big dreams and even something to die for...and I? I had nothing major to get me out of my bed...I felt like a caged bird with chopped-up wings;such vast sky outside the cage, and even if this cage was to be open I could not venture and fly out of it! Remember my broken wings?
This was the result of years of an easy,comfortable kept life...I lost my will to fly! Don't get me wrong,I did agree to put my dreams inside a box to help others to achieve theirs,indeed I did! It felt like the right thing to do and it was comfy and safe...and then I forgot about my dreams and never opened that box again.This was when things went pear shape in my life and I felt dried up and sour inside.The nest felt empty,the dreams were locked up inside a lost box and my life felt dramatically too small...like an old dress that no longer fits over my body.I am no longer as small as my dreams were once...my hunger for life have doubled and I have shameless outgrown my old life.
I will be honest with you;I don't know what I want to do with my life at the moment,still a bit confused and lost,but I sure do know what I can no longer have in it and this is a good starting point!
So,now you know why the long absence and what I have been up to,now you can say your bit and share your thoughts...Lets get comfy and grab a long black,or a wine,take off your shoes and talk?